Whose Ride Is It Now?
by Polodo
Summary: Max died. Now it's up to the Flock to find the new main character. Too bad everyone wants to be it. Chaos ensues. One-shot Crack. Rated T for mild swearing and violence and for a joke. Happy April Fools!


**Ah, it's been a while since I enjoyed writing a story so much.**

**It was just a simple idea that I was idly thinking about during a vacation I had a while ago, but when I got bored and couldn't think of any progress for my other stories to be had. I wrote it.**

**And booy, did I write it.**

**Disclaimer: Though quite obvious, I do not own the following: Maximum Ride, Spanish Commentators, Diff'rent Strokes, Tara, God, or James Patterson.**

**Interested? If so, read on and enjoy.**

**EDIT: Whoops! I almost forgot! I made a cover for this story on DeviantART if people want to see. Just go to the profile link on my profile (yo dawg, i herd u liek profiles...) and it's right there. Completely irrelevant, I know, but I'll say it anyways, since it is about this story. :D Once again, enjoy!**

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><p>Max died. It was as simple as that.<p>

Well, maybe _not_ as simple as that. It wasn't like she sat down one day and decided it was as good a time as any to keel over. In usual Max style, she went out like a total badass. After saving Angel from some weird guys who wanted to 'unlock her true power' or some crap like that, she decided to give the 'Queen of Mutants' thing a try, because she really had nothing better to do.

Naturally, as with most things in her life, everything went to hell. While Max was preaching peace and acceptance to get the hybrids to _not _kill all humans, one particularly smarmy Gen. 77 decided to throw an ambush on one of her speeches at the Schools. About ten of the eyekids. Max never stood a chance.

Of course, that didn't stop her from trying, as she went complete berserker mode on them. Using her subsonic flight speed to her advantage, she had flown above the ambushers, rendering some of them useless and the others more dangerous to their fellow attackers than to Max. With this method she was able to eliminate half of them while still having enough time for a final badass saying of, "So be it," before finally being murdered.

But that already happened, so why are we still talking about it? The important thing is that Max died and the Flock were a bunch of sad pigeons. So sad, in fact, that not one of them had the energy to show anger at that last remark.

And now, back in the Flock's new house, Gazzy sighed. "Things just aren't the same now that Max isn't around."

Iggy returned the sigh. "I can't even work up the strength to point out Captain Obvious over there. What are we supposed to do?"

Dylan laid back on the conveniently placed chair behind him, being the closest to sobbing of the four remaining Flock members and Total. He angsted, "Do you know what it's like to have your entire purpose in life taken away from you right before your eyes, leaving you as an empty book that will never see a finish?"

The other 4 occupants of the room just looked at Dylan, not bothering to mention the fact that, no, they couldn't have, since they weren't specifically engineered to be Max's eternal soulmate. That would require, you guessed it, energy they didn't have.

Total stretched in this silence, muttering to the room, "Ya know, guys, I'm pretty sure the Doomsday Group will start going full throttle again now that there's no main character left alive to stop them."

Again, the Flock looked weirdly at the speaker. The dog sighed, then continued his reasoning, "Without Max, there is no leader. Without a leader, there is no Flock. Without a Flock, there is no opposition to the Doomsday Group. Without that, there is no world. In plus, I'm surprised that you guys aren't jumping on this opportunity to gain the role of main character."

The final sentence perked their ears, as they started to look around and at each other. Could what Total was saying be true?

Iggy started, "Did you say one of us…"

"…could be the new main character?" Dylan finished.

Total cocked his doggy-version of an eyebrow. "You guys are just figuring this out now? Of course one of you guys has to be the main character. Our old one just went off and got herself killed on us. Now it's just a matter of whom."

Gazzy looked at the other people in the room and sighed. "I'm going to take a wild guess and assume I'm not in the running."

A nod from the Scottie confirmed the Gasman's fears. "Yup, your total lack of importance to the plot of the previous books and your worthless abilities leave you just ahead of me in this aspect. Just be glad _you're_ an actual birdkid."

The little boy nodded, then turned to the Flock. "No need for me to be here, then; lemme know which one of you ends up being the new main character." He then left, cursing himself for being only comic relief.

Without Gazzy in the room, things start to get seriously heated. Iggy and Dylan were almost in fisticuffs with each other about being the oldest in the group, thus deeming them the best candidate for main character ("How can you be the oldest when you were cloned mere months ago?" "How can you not have your first kiss when surrounded by hotties both here and in Virginia?"), Angel was trying to plead her case of being the strongest of everyone to no one in particular, and Nudge, realizing the futility in vying to be the main character, decided to use her talking ability to commentate the situation like a Spanish commentator would a soccer game.

"Iggy and Dylan are spewing insults like no tomorrow!" She chattered without the apparent need of oxygen. "It looks like Iggy is going to crack, and, what's this? Dylan pulls the 'not even your parents loved you, as we already have seen' card, and- GOOOOOOOOOL! Down goes Dylan as Iggy literally flies into him, knocking Dylan to the ground! Total, what are your thoughts?" She poses her fist like a mike in front of Total.

He sweatdropped. "Why did I think that this would be productive?" The dog whined while Angel claimed that if she pleased, everyone in the room would become her loyal servants under an evil empire, but that she was too bored to do so.

After hearing that, Total broke a little on the inside. "And here I was thinking that my master was at least slightly sane. Oh well, I should've seen this coming a long time ago." With that, he trotted away from the mock interview to catch up with Gazzy, as the little dog wanted to teach him some new impressions to use. For some reason, Total always got a good howl out of them.

Nudge returned the fist to her face as she continued with her torrent of sound, "Thank you, Total, for that insightful insight. Now where were we- Never mind that, Dylan couples an elbow to Iggy's face with the insult of 'you never saw it coming'! That has to hurt, hearing a jab like that…"

Angel was in the middle of boasting about her umpteen powers when she figured out no one was listening to her in the slightest. She then realized something. Could it be that the real reason Max didn't want to die was because she knew what chaos she would leave behind her as the Flock scrambled to find a replacement?

She concentrated extremely hard as she_ suggested_ the two teenage boys stopped quarreling. Once they begrudgingly accepted a ceasefire between each other and Nudge ran out of commentary, Angel started her speech. "Guys, what are we doing? All of this fighting over what exactly? Something as trivial as being the main character? Max would be ashamed of us, all of us."

Dylan and Iggy looked down at their hands, then at each other. "I'm sorry bro," apologized Iggy as he stuck out his hand. Dylan accepted it with his own, saying, "Me too." They pulled in on their hands and bumped shoulders to signify this.

Angel smiled. "Good. See what it's like when I'm in charge? Like I said, Max would be ashamed that I wasn't immediately chosen as the main character. What, with all of my powers and interesting internal conflict. So obviously…"

It seems that the only thing Angel realized was a new strategy to get people to listen to her. The three other Flock members in the room groaned as Angel went on and on about how her story would without a doubt be the most interesting yet. Dylan and Iggy, sick of hearing all this, went back to their own arguments while Nudge excused herself to get some extra buttery popcorn from the kitchen.

By the time Nudge returned, Gazzy and Total had come back as well, watching the carnage of Angel, Dylan and Iggy verbally assaulting each other, the latter two deciding that physical attacks weren't worth it anymore. Nudge offered to Total and Gazzy, "Want some?," holding out her popcorn bag to them, on which the three non-fighting Flockies would feast on with the show in front of them.

It surprised everyone when they heard Max's voice chuckle from the door, "You guys are really pathetic, you know that?"

And lo and behold, Max appeared from the doorway. Or, at least, she looked like Max. To the trained eye, however, it was obviously Maya, the girl previously known as Max II.

Gazzy, in the voice of Gary Coleman, replied, "Whatcha talking 'bout, Maya?"

Everyone in the room looked at Gazzy bizarrely, sans Total, who was crying from the beauty of the impersonation.

Maya shook it off. "What I'm talking about is that you guys are fighting over something none of you will ever have. Do any of you really think you have a what it takes to be the main character?"

Iggy huffed, "I'm more likely than you are. I mean, you're barely more relevant to the plot than Total! Why aren't you hanging out with that foolish Flock featuring Fang, anyways?"

Maya laughed once again. "As if I was talking about myself." She stepped to the side, allowing Fang to enter the room. "Fang has you all beat," she concluded. Fang's flock filed in through the door, crowding the room with twelve mutants.

Total sighed, "Okay, time for Fang's big dramatic speech in 5… 4… 3… 2…"

"As you all know," Fang started right on time. "Max always said that if she were to die, me, being the second in command, would lead the Flock. Thus, _I_ shall be the main character."

"Hey!" Nudge countered. "You gave up that right the second you left the Flock! So don't you even _try_ that card!"

"Then how about this one," Ratchet said, stepping out from the second mutant pack. "_We_ are a helluva lot more interesting than _you_. I mean, just look at us! We don't just fly everywhere, we bring the heat! We got supa strength, supa speed, supa healing, and, even better," he took off his sunglasses. "supa me."

Laughing was heard in every other voice as Holden patted his friend on the back and consoled, "Nice try, buddy."

As the not-so-cool guy sulked, Star decided to stand for him, saying, "He still has a point. It is more interesting to hear about us than it is to hear the same things from the same boring Flock. I mean, what are you going to do, have Angel betray you guys _again_?"

Angel took offense to the statement, retorting, "C'mon, I'm not _that_ unreliable, right guys?" However, when she looked over at the rest of the Flock, they refused to make eye contact. She grumbled to herself, "Fine, if that's what you think, then whatever. Just remember this day when I rule over you all…"

Total sighed once again, "You guys don't stay on topic very well, do you? All this fighting and still there isn't a main character? At this rate, this series won't even be about us anymore!"

"Hey, shut up you completely useless character," yelled Fang and Dylan, who, after noticing they said it in unison, immediately engaged in a stare down.

Now both Flocks were at each other's throats, just waiting for someone to say the wrong thing, when yet another person walked through the door to the room, saying, "'Not even about you guys anymore'? Ah, then it seems like it's my time to shine."

The room was deathly silent. Nobody said a single thing to the person; nobody dared. The new person, seeming around thirteen and having jet-black hair, looked lethal. It was the Gasman who finally broke the silence, asking, "Um… Are we supposed to know you?"

The new girl looked around the room and saw the questioning stares of everyone in the room, although it seemed that Total could almost put his nose on it. She sighed, "Fang… Iggy… c'mon Total, even you don't remember me?" After another moment's thought, the dog finally shook his head. She persisted. "From New York?"

"Nope," said Gazzy.

"Max's breakout?"

"No lightbulbs over my head," sighed Nudge.

"In the cages…"

"No cigar," Fang answered.

The girl was defeated, but it wasn't very noticeable. "Unimportant. Either way, I'm Tara, the birdkid that got away."

A chorus of "Oohs" resounded throughout the original Flock while Total exclaimed, "Now I remember! You and Slip always used to pet me in between experiments! How's that little mutant been doing nowadays?"

"He's dead."

Total slumped a little. "Should've figured as much. Anyways, how'd the whole 'start-your-own-Flock' thing go, since you took all the people from the Institute?"

Tara smirked. "That's exactly why I'm here. Seems like this series is in need of a new protagonist, so I decided that just maybe I could-"

"No!" The other characters in the room replied en masse, Angel muttering, "That's the last thing we need _another _contender…"

The newly met birdkid whined, "Not even a chance? There's no reason for me not to be seen _ever_. Give me one good reason why I shouldn't be the main character."

The room was dead silent. Total tentatively answered, "Well… you see… the thing is that-"

"No one really cares about you," Fang finished rather bluntly.

Tara gasped, then growled at the dead heroine's love interest, "That's it; you're dead, emo!" She then launched herself at Fang, hands held out like talons aimed at his neck.

Fang barely had enough time to say, "For the last time, I'm not emo!" before being taken out by Tara, starting a wrestling match between the two. Everyone else just looked awkwardly, Iggy snickering slightly at the thought and sound of Fang and Tara rolling around on the floor.

Of course, Angel, deciding that now was the time to reassert herself as the main contender for the main character, pitched, "You see, _this _wouldn't happen if I was in charge."

As expected, chaos subsequently ensued. All semblance to order was lost as Maya and Holden started berating Angel's tactics. Iggy and Dylan took this opportunity to rekindle their previous fight with each other over the title of dominant male Flockie, letting Nudge return to her position as speed-talking announcer. Gazzy just sighed and went off to practice having angst, because as far as he could tell, the most essential part of being a main character was having angst.

Throughout this mess, not one person wasn't caught up in something. However, all fighting seemed to cease when a voice called out from the sky, "So much chaos…"

Everyone was questioning what the voice could be, but Fang had an idea. "Could that voice be… God?" He tentatively called out.

When Fang called, the voice came down and revealed the form of a 60-ish-year-old man. He chuckled as he saw the amazed gazes of everyone in the room while correcting Fang, "My name is James Patterson, guys."

Not one person took note of this, as shown by Total running up to the author and bowing at his feet. "Oh wise and omnipotent creator of this world," the dog dramatically started. "Please hear our pleas! Our great hero has fallen and we are in disarray over who shall be the successor! Let it be thee who shall decide!"

JP kept a cool head and asked the other birdkids, "So basically, you want me to choose who the next main character is?"

Everyone nodded.

Patterson sighed, his previous hints of a good mood forgotten as he began to talk to himself. "Let the story write itself, they said. See what clever events come from it, they said. Well, what would they say when the story comes and _asks you for help_!"

He turned to everyone. "You know what? I'm done with this. There is world devastation about to happen from the rise of Gen 77s and you're too busy fighting over who is the main protagonist. You," he pointed at Tara. "still need to work out a dark past you don't even know you have yet, and you," he pointed at Maya. "need to grow an even bigger difference in personality from Max. And you," he pointed at Total. "need to be a little more bearable!

"Congratulations, mutants of this world, as you have finally convinced me that killing Max of was the worst idea possible. So screw it; I'm retconning the whole thing!"

Wait," Angel puzzled. "Does that mean that mean Max is-"

"-Still alive?" James finished. "Yep, and she's the main character, too."

A collective group of "NOOO!"s flooded the room at this remark, as everyone had lost their chances at glory. JP took this time to say his goodbyes and disappear back into the real world.

Max walked into the room, now very much not murdered by Gen 77s. She turned to Dylan and greeted, "Hey, what did I miss?"

Of course, it was then she noticed the other 12 mutants in the room. "Uh… Fang, why are you here? Why is your Flock here and," She pointed to Tara. "Who is she? Am I supposed to know her?"

"Gah! Seriously?" Tara screamed before running out. Max just looked with wide eyes, asking the Flock, "Did I do something wrong?"

It was then that Angel cried, "Why do you have to be alive, Max? Can't you just be a good character and stay dead already?" She then stormed out of the room in a manner similar to Tara.

Unsurprisingly, Max was still plenty confused. She opened her mouth to the Flock only to be cut off with a "Don't ask" from Dylan. She nodded.

"Well," Fang said to break the small silence that overtook the room after Angel left. "Since I'm not able to be the main character anymore, I guess now's as good a time as any to take my leave. See ya."

Max gawked at him. "Really? You're just going to get up and leave as soon as I see you?"

He simply replied back, "I came because you were dead. Now you're not. Therefore, I shouldn't be here. I repeat: See. Ya."

With this he walked out of the room, closely followed by his new Flock, although Maya lagged in the back to give a parting message of, "Fang would still make a better main character then even you, Max."

Eventually, the regular Flock started to leave the room, leaving Max and Nudge alone. Max casually said to Nudge, "Please tell me what the hell is going on or I will be forced to kick someone's ass."

Nudge laughed and responded, "Nah; it would make even less than it does right now."

"How could that… be… possi…ble…" Max trailed off after seeing Gazzy enter the room with his hair dyed black.

"So, how does it look?" Gazzy asked excitedly. "Oh wait! Wrong voice." He then switched to an angsty voice. "My sister has power beyond all belief, and me? Nothing except talking weird. We don't know our parents, we don't know any real friends; we barely know anyone outside our own Flock who aren't hellbent on world domination…"

While Gazzy continued his mantra in the background, Max was somehow even more confused. She said to Nudge, "You win about everything else, but please explain this."

Nudge looked baffled as well. "I have no idea."

And so the night faded out with Gazzy donning his new persona. "Without any real powers, I'm useless to all. And I don't even have a love interest! What kind of nine-year-old doesn't have a love interest…"

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><p><strong>...And that's it! Can you think of any better way to leave it off than an angsty Gazzy? Didn't think so.<strong>

**Either way here's a little known fact for the world: this was completed about two weeks ago. So then why wasn't it posted two weeks ago? Because I tried to find a beta. I failed. Greatly. Of the few I sent requests to, only two replied back, both saying they couldn't do it. :/ Eh, they had good reasons and I don't blame them one bit for it, but if you could let me know if there's a better way to find a beta, please do (but not in review form; that's for reviews :P).**

**Anyways, let me know what you thought of the story in a review, whether you loved it or hated it or don't believe James Patterson is the God of the Maximum Ride universe (which he is, so actually, don't :P). If you're a frequent reader of my stories, thank you for reading and see you in my next one! :D**


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